“That! I want that right there!” he swooped in and grabbed her face trying to kiss her. The suction from his breath seemed to have fingers of its own that went reaching in her trying to grab hold of it and yank it right out of her. She pushed him off before he could put his grimy lips on her mouth and said: “What are you trying to get out of me?” He was clearly upset and his eyes had a glare of rage as he looked at her. She knew that look. It was not the first time she had seen it or felt another person try to steal it from her. She wasn’t sure what it was, it felt like her soul.
Her memory soared with the recollection of feeling it ripped from her leaving claw marks scarring her insides desperately trying to hold on for dear life. They were too strong and too violent, but tonight was different. He calmed down from the rejection and walked away spewing some words about her passion and light that he perilously wanted for himself. She felt violated. The feeling was too familiar. She had felt it her whole life. Beginning from childhood there was always someone there waiting to steal it. The light living in her, her life, her passion. Slowly year after year they had succeeded at taking bits and pieces, but they could not get it all.
She didn’t feel special or like she had some source of light or life that was any different from other people. However, she knew that she was different. She knew that there had to be something because so many people tried to take it. So many people had stripped her of it and she was able to reclaim it, but only to have it sucked away again by varmints like him. She wanted so much to believe in people. The heart that ignited her body would flood for the promise of seeing someone be kind and not try to steal it.
Not these weasels who she thought could get it for themselves, but who were unwilling to do the work to maintain it. As she stared at his flapping mouth watching the spit driplets splatter his face, she wondered if it were ever possible to find those who would not steal, but accept. It seemed hopeless. Over the years she realized that his type of person could not have it, they would never gain it for themselves and that was the reason they continued to try to steal it all away from her. They were drawn to her, they sought her out. They truly loved her in the beginning, they had genuine feelings for her, but they treated her gifts and goodness as second rate. They treated her as if she were a dishrag dripping with cold mildewy water. They would look at her and speak of her beauty while attacking her body and mind at the same time.
All of the things they said they loved her for they would constantly try to demean and destroy. They wanted her as long as she wasn’t her. How could she ever be loved? The very things that drew them, mystified them, excited them also caused them anger, hate, and jealousy. They would seek out to get it from her and she would think they were being kind. They profaned her innocence and honesty. They held her in a grasp so tight that she could never breathe for herself. Their ropes bound her hands, feet, and mouth. Their invisible clasps, the tight noose around her throat to stop any true vocal from flowing into the world. The hold until they wanted her to speak to make them smile, only to be disgraced again afterwards.
They would love to show her off as long as she didn’t speak or show it. Her job was to make them glow, her glare was supposed to illuminate them. She was to darken her light when out, but it’s impossible to smite out the sun. And they all hated her and loved her for it. The years were full of her constantly trying to escape it and she would allow them to steal some of it just so they would stay. But soon they would realize that they could not have it, they would never get it, which caused most to leave. She would be left lost and confused. The ether that became her existence would seek out, scraping her inner vessel searching for her pieces, just to be able to talk again.
Lonely and tired from the ones who came and stole it, she quit. Her heartbeat would be sucked into a black space of empty hollow thoughts, lost desires, and vaporized love. Each infringement broke her heart. Each lackluster word that had no life spoken to her caused her to fragment even more. Separating parts of her into unknown pieces filled with concrete slabs to stop them from ever touching again. Her eyes could not see with clear vision. Everything became distorted and tainted. No longer able to define self from their definition she was now a walking vessel of speckled light.
Though she tried to hide the rays and keep them hidden they kept poking out through the broken pieces that defined her. Still she would feel consoled by the rays whispering out in the winds saying that one day she would be pulled back together again as whole. Her body would be sore from trying to hide, to make herself as ugly as possible so no one would look at her. “Become a hideous beast!” she cried. Soon her eyes deceived her and the only things she could see were the false impressions that others spit at her. The vagrants that twisted and maligned her self-image that she finally believed and accepted.
She had no light at all she thought, but then would be confused when they saw it. They tried to rip it from her very depths with no consideration of her at all. They fractured her, left her there limp, alone, and continued to come back for more until they could no longer see a glimmer of life. No one seemed to care at all about the manipulation, they had complete disregard for her or her life. They took what they wanted and left. She would at times play dead until she could play no more.
They hated her when she would no longer take it and speak up with a raging voice exclaiming: “NO more! I do have value!” And they laughed and they left. Or they would not let her go, gripping tightly owning her as if she were some prize to be had. She was treated as if she were the goal of all their efforts. Everything they worked hard for, the trophy for catching the innocent creature in the wilderness. She would look upon them with gentle, innocent eyes, sucking them in, and memorizing them with vulnerability.
They didn’t really want that though, they were predators proud of their catch. They gained their power by chaining the innocent. It was like they had captured the fountain of youth within her, they found some treasure that they could not let go. The greed that swelled within them would consume any love they had for her. They never had the right motives. They never knew how to handle such a delicate, breakable creature. They turned her into a scathing soul and watched with no remorse.
It was coming to an end that night. That night she realized that she was not the ugly, vile, monster she thought she was. She was not the heinous person that had veiled her eyes in the mirror. Her imperfections had not been what they saw, it was the perfections they both desired and longed to destroy. When he touched her that night she felt something being stolen from her and she stopped it. She took it back and she threw his vulgar efforts back in his face.
“Get your own, you thief.” she boldly told him. In the moment the words flew out and slapped him across the face, the wraps that had stuck closely on her eyelids crumbled. The blurred visions became clear and all of the smooth words that had been used to allow him in her life came to life and revealed their true nature. They were words so sweet dripping with honey, but under the flowing, golden sugar were sharp arrows. The tips covered with false accusations, lying tones, and manipulating powers to confuse her.
All of the words that filled her over the years were spinning around removing their masks being exposed for who they truly were. All of their insecurity covered in disparages. All of their doubts shrouded in false accusations or attacks on her. All of the loving words followed by degrading her or telling her how empowered she was, but forcing her dependence upon them. Twisting and turning letters falling all around her. The screeching sounds of being uncloaked reached into her body and came violently extruding out.
As they left her, the fragmented pieces pulled together as if God were pulling the sinews of each body part from the middle of her gut. She was being sewn back together with a seal that would never come unbound again. Each one of the stitches were splattering iridescent light through tiny holes, allowing the stitches to still be seen in magnificent flare. The details of each tiny thread were consuming and had a story to share. Never would the light be stolen again and the stitches would never let her forget how she got back what had been stolen. It was hers no one could take it, but she was happy to share it freely with those who were willing to accept it.
She would seek those who would cherish it and treat it with respect. The ones, who would love her for the scars, and see the beauty in them. Discovering the lovers of life who would accept her without threat or greed, she learned from the scars. Calling out with her life’s breath those who would fly to the wondrous pools of light and laughter they would seek wholeness together. Bridging what true unity means and the mystery of being fully herself while the wellsprings of life lovers are wholly themselves as well. They will be sealed in the comforts of just being, as they admire each others beautiful scars. And they spark companionship as they all reclaim what has been stolen.
